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Why did you write Sleeping with a Stranger?

I couldn't not write this book. There were lots of times I tried to lose this project. I'd cover it up with other papers on my desk, stack it on the floor. I even filed it in my file cabinet for a while. But, it wouldn't go away. I would hear of another case, someone would ask me a question, or I would catch a glimpse of the papers and off I would go again.

I think, in the end, it was because of how alone I felt during the worst of my times. And how I wished there was something like this for me. And there wasn't.

Is this a first?

Paula Caplan's book, Mother Blaming, was really helpful because it talked how we usually hold moms responsible for anything that happens to a child, including abusive behavior by dad.

But I couldn't find a book about, or by, women who were married to child molesters.

There are a few books about abuse where there is a chapter or a mention of mothers of victims. But what they said didn't fit for me.

Why didn't what you were reading fit for you?

Because they all made the same assumptions: the wife was the “co-molester”. (Those are my words, not necessarily theirs.) They assumed she knew, she encouraged or enabled him, that she was as involved in the abuse as he was. And this wasn't true for me.

Isn't that just your denial?

Let's talk about denial. Let's say we are sitting here in this house in Massachusetts, and you point to a rattlesnake coiled on the floor between us. And I look at the snake, and then say “There's no snake there.” That's denial. Or if I say “Well, maybe it's a snake, but it's just a harmless garter snake.” Then I am denying by minimizing the danger.

But, let's say, we are sitting here in a suburban home in Massachusetts, and you see just the tip of tail of a rattle snake behind my chair. I can't see it from where I am sitting. And you tell me there is a rattle snake close to me. And then the snake slithers quietly away and hides behind the base board within the walls. And at the same time, people I know and trust tell me you're a liar. And I know there are few, if any rattle snakes in suburban Massachusetts.

So, I discount what you, a perfect stranger, are saying and listen to my friends and family, and to what I already know about snakes and the likelihood of having one in a house here.

Then, my spouse, whom I believe to love me, respect me and tell me the truth, tells me you are lying also. Now, who would I believe?

It is easy for you to say that I am in denial. You saw the snake.

I not only didn't see it, didn't expect to see it, it is now not visible and everyone whom I love, trust and respect is telling me that it doesn't exist.

That is not denial on my part.

It is how relationships work.

We are more inclined to believe the people we know and trust than strangers, particularly when they are telling us something hard to imagine.

I am not in denial, I “know” there is no snake.

But what about evidence? What if the snake rattled?

Even if the snake rattled, or I heard something move behind my chair, it would take me a while to realize the people who were closest to me were deceiving me and a stranger was telling me the truth.

But, that's crazy, dysfunctional!

No, that's life. 

We base relationships on lots of assumptions, but one of the most important is that we know the people we love, that we know they won't hurt us, and that we don't have to worry about being betrayed by them.

Strangers may hurt us, but not the ones we love.

Unfortunately when it comes to child sexual abuse, those assumptions are wrong. The people we love are strangers.

How can you have a relationship without those assumptions?

You can't. That's why I said it's life not dysfunction.

We all operate with a set of assumptions, a set of relationship rules that we believe our loved one shares and honors. But, in this case he not only doesn't honor them, but purposely deceives you about his not honoring them.

For him to be able to continue molesting children, he has to keep his deception intact. He has to convince you that there is no snake, no matter what evidence exists.

And, most molesters are experts at deception.

So, wives and mothers are purposely deceived, and then we get angry at them for not knowing. They're in a no win situation.

What other assumptions are wrong?

A lot of the conventional wisdom, “what we all know is true,” is inaccurate when it comes to child abuse.

We assume our personal experience is pervasive. What happened to me, or what happened in the family next door is how it always happens.

Or we get scared, feel guilty, or angry and sort out what happened to comfort ourselves and our feelings.

And then we start to act as if what we know is always true. And we hold on to those beliefs, even if there is conflicting evidence.

Like what evidence?

Let me give you a couple of examples.

Conventional wisdom has it that mom's always know and don't do anything to stop the abuse or protect their children. Yet, the research finds just the opposite. In one study of 300 mothers of abused children it was found that the vast majority did not know of the abuse, and when they did find out, attempted to separate the child from the abuser.

Yet, most people, especially victims who are now adults insist their mother knew and/or colluded or protected the abuser. They hold on to their beliefs rather than look at the evidence.

But don't some moms know?

Of course, just like some kids make false accusations.

But, in both of these instances, it is not as common as most people would believe.

And, most importantly, even when mom's do know, there may be little that they can do.

Much intra-family sexual abuse is part of a larger pattern of more general abuse: verbal, emotional and/or physical. In many cases the mom is so battered herself it is difficult for her to confront or escape the abuser.

Or, she may choose to stay or “go along” with the abuse for fear he will escalate to a more lethal level of violence. 

Or, and this was more common 30 or more years ago, she may have been advised by her physician or religious advisor that it was her responsibility to stand by her man. The abuse was either discounted, minimized or attributed to the lies of malicious children.

Most moms, faced with this horrific experience, struggle to do what's best. And what looks like what's best at the moment may not be best in the long run.

What I find fascinating is the tendency for adults who were victimized to hold mom's responsible and forgive or minimize what the abusers did.

So what we hear is “how could you do that to poor me and poor dad.” Mom gets the full blast of the rage and he gets off scot free...and then abuses another child.

What about false claims that mom's make?

This is another example of conventional wisdom that is not supported by the research. 

We hear about “lots of women” making claims of abuse during divorce and custody proceedings. One judge wrote to Dear Abby and complained how many times he had heard these same lies. Yet, when the research was done, just the opposite was found to be true.

Seldom, in less than 5% of divorce/custody cases, is the charge of sexual molestation made by one parent against the other. And when charges are made, almost all are substantiated.

Yet, many attorneys will still counsel their clients to forget about bringing up concerns about abuse because “everyone does that and it just muddies the water.”

So, here's a mom trying to protect her children and the very person who is supposed to know, supposed to help her, gives her bad advice based on what he believes to be true or his personal experience, rather than what is actually true.

What has been the reaction to Sleeping with a Stranger?

From other women like myself? Their letters all say the same thing: “I thought I was the only one. You tell my story.” We all feel so alone. The shame, the confusion and frustration, the anger are overwhelming. Even though there are over a hundred thousand substantiated cases of child sexual abuse a year, which means tens of thousands of moms, we still think we're the only one. The shame is so great, we don't talk to anyone about it. It's too frightening.

The reactions from other people encourage isolation and withdrawal.

What kinds of reactions:

I'm getting the same reactions to Sleeping With a Stranger that I got when my ex-husband was identified as a molester. Lots of people are angry at me. Why didn't I stop him? Why did I let him hurt children?

There are lots of people who still say I knew all along and allowed or encouraged him.

I couldn't get him to put his dirty socks in the hamper, how could I have stopped him from doing something I didn't know about? Something he was purposely keeping from me, the parents of his victims were choosing not to tell me about, and even the police were keeping from me.

I find it incredible that people think what he did was my fault. Some of his victims and their parents are still afraid people will find out they are the ones I am talking about.

Didn't you mask identities?

Of course. But, this is still an area where victims feel more shame for being victimized than perpetrators do for being abusive.

What about your family?

They've been great. I was so ashamed myself when I first found out, I didn't tell anyone in my family. Gradually, I told them all, at least some of what happened.

Before the book came out, I wrote to my family and told them about the book and the publicity...and to my in laws also.

You told your in laws about the book?

Sure. See this is another one of those myths. We hold the parents of molesters more responsible for the abuse than we do the perpetrators. We blame the parents for what he does. They aren't to blame. They form another link in the network of his hidden victims.

But aren't most molesters abused themselves?

Some are - but not all. And, most certainly, everyone who was abused doesn't become an abuser. Most people who were abused as kids become child advocates and protectors not molesters.

But, lets look at the bigger picture.

Few of us are perfect parents, few of us had perfect childhoods. At some point, we have to make a decision. We have to decide what we will or won't do. It is our decision.

We can try to blame our current actions on our childhood, our parents, our race, or religious upbringing. There are plenty of targets for our blame. And realistically, some of them may have been pretty awful.

But, at the end of the day, in the dark of the night, we only have ourselves.

Because, there are plenty of people who had the same experiences, or even worse, and they didn't choose to do what we did.

When I hear people blaming others, excusing themselves because they grew up in a dysfunctional family or that society itself is dysfunctional, I want to grab them and tell them to grow up and get a life. 

Every ticket to life says admit one. There is nothing on anyone's ticket that even hints at a guarantee of fair, fun or fulfilling.

Sometimes this all gets so painful, we want it to go away. We don't want to have to admit this kind of abuse exists, or exists with people we know, much less ourselves. 

I've come to call myself a reluctant expert. I didn't want to become so knowledgeable about childhood sexual abuse.

But, that's what happened. 

I couldn't control him or what he did. But, I am taking charge of what I'm doing about what he did.

And that is why I wrote Sleeping with a Stranger.

So what's next...what's your next project?

Another book...When I wrote Sleeping With a Stranger, I thought I was only talking to women who had been married to child molesters.

But the feedback I got, from friends, colleagues, and readers, said that although they hadn't been married to child molesters, what I said about taking charge of an out of control situation that was visited on your life resonated for them. They were tired of being told they were sick, bad, helpless or dysfunctional because they had experienced relationship difficulties, disease, or natural disasters.

It was time to stop being in recovery and start being recovered.

So, Taking Charge When You're Not in Control was released by Ballantine in early 2001.

This interview with Dr. Patricia Wiklund is copyrighted and may only be reprinted its entirety. Right to reprint is granted contingent upon including full attribution: (Patricia Wiklund Ph.D., author of Sleeping with a Stranger, P.O. Box 1249, Kingston WA 98346) and by providing two complete copies of the publication in which the reprint appears.

Please send the copies to the above address.

Although Sleeping With a Stranger is out of print, I do have a few copies for sale. Please click here to purchase a copy.